There’s always someone you call. Call when you feel lonely, call when you feel happy, call when you feel helpless, call to announce a good news and call when you’re devastated. There was one number I called for all of those. One number I remember by heart and one number which I cannot forget no matter how forgetful I may be. It wasn’t much different than love, it was a comfortable place where I existed without a veil. I showed my real self and was accepted and loved for the same. As easy as it may sound, it isn’t really that easy to accept someone with all the flaws they have, especially with the kind of flaws I have. I was lucky!
It was a heaven, so now I want to die to experience it all over again. The first conversations. the little misunderstandings, the getting to know each other, the I’m so bored call and so on and so forth. We discussed our managers and superiors, bitched about them, asked each other random stupid questions, told each other our secrets and that’s how we got addicted to our phones. Breaking the rules we had for our lives, we started making some of our own. Waiting for the other one to eat, singing ridiculous songs for each other in our voices which could otherwise bleed someone’s ears, loving the message notifications, looking out for the last seens, it was a time when I smiled. Clicking pathetic pictures of ourselves and sending to the other just to irritate the other was considered fun. Asking why you sound so different today, being concerned if we sensed something wrong and planning our meetings and the things we’ll do when we meet each other was now our new normal.
But time changes. So does perspective and so does the people. I can’t blame anyone, coz I changed too. So it was reasonable that the other person evolves too. They must have had their own experience, good or bad, they must have their own people and the way we look at the same person at two different points in time can be hugely different. Someone can be your favorite, favorite pair of eyes to look into, favorite name to appear on your phone’s screen, favorite way to spend an afternoon and favorite everything. And this is when you tell them your deepest insecurities, your biggest fears, things you cannot tolerate, things that break your heart and the kind of person you don’t want to become. They say they love you for the way you are and everytime, you fall deeper.
But soon enough they want to change all of that.
They regret the moments that you two created, good or bad. They become angry on you for what you did and suddenly the things you told them in private about the bad part of your life becomes a weapon for them to stab you in your heart in a way that it never heals again. The things you have felt insecure about all your life is what they use to make you feel shit and they tell you that you have become worse than what you told them that you never want to become like. And since this is that very person whom you trusted your life with, your secrets with, and whom you think knows you the best in the world, because once upon a time when you were giving them a justification for your behavior, they interrupted and told you that they understood you, without you having to explain anything to them, you trust them to be right. Afterall, they knew you more than you knew yourself, if they think shit about you, you must be worse. You must be a player, lover, friend, faking feelings all in one in the name of a Best Friend. Afterall that’s what Luv Ranjan has shown in movies, Sex, Fun, Money is all we care about and that’s why we deserve what we have. I must be a great player to have fooled someone like that and still pretend to miss them. *standing ovation*
Anyways, when your parents told you not to trust someone and fall in love, you shouldn’t have. Maybe that’s why we have a generation of heart-broken people who have stopped believing in the magic of love and will never trust another human ever. Next time when someone asks you about your deepest secret, you’d be like “Not Again!” Next time when someone asks you to swear, you won’t, coz you don’t believe in these kiddish things anymore. Next time when someone asks you about your worst times, you’ll put up a brave face and say “I’ve been lucky all my life, not to have bad times yet!” and behind those close doors, while changing clothes or while washing your face at night or while listening to your playlist on the earphones, your heart will brim up and you will dig your face deep into the pillow and cry till your stomach feels void and your spine feels the shiver. You’ll sleep in your own salty pool to wake up smiling for the world, pretend for yet another day that you’re okay and you won’t have the courage to make that call for help.